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An Old Post From 2005

October 7, 2011

It’s a rainy Saturday here in Dallas. The sky is grey and still, gentle waters falling, then running away to secret places unknown. I am here at my computer, lulled by the steady drops upon the skylight and I am safe in my womb-like existence. Warm, like my dogs who curl around one another wrapped in my blanket that they think is theirs because it smells like me.

I am reflective, introspective today, the rain providing the perfect ambiance to envelope and encourage me to stay frozen in my current state of mind. Is this a conspiracy? No, just water condensed from atmospheric vapor and falling in drops, nothing more.

I am homeward bound, back to my birthplace that holds my secrets, back to the place where every corner of The Fan holds a distinct memory. Some give smiles, others offer only a painful wince. I am going home to visit my Grandfather who has Cancer. This visit isn’t about my past ghosts it is simply to be with this wonderful man and make him smile, give him some happiness before he dies. That is all and it is everything.

My Grandfather is 80 years old and was in the Navy in WWII. He served on a hospital ship and as far as I know I am the only person he’s ever spoken with about his ordeal in that war, on that ship. I am honored that he did and I am honored that he has shown me what a good man is. Even though my Grandfather is really my step-Grandfather, he’s the only grandfather I’ve ever known. When I was 6, I asked him if I could call him Grandpa and I’ll never forget how he smiled at me and hugged me and said that he was hoping that I’d ask one day. And that was that.

My Grandpa has always been a vibrant man, muscular and funny and always smiling. he could never sit still and would jingle the change in his pocket until my Grandma would tell him to stop, that he was driving her crazy. My Grandpa lived for my Grandma and took care of her for her last 10 years as her health began to steadily fail, slowly and painfully. They were married for 38 years and he missed her everyday of the last year and a half since her death in March 2004. I miss her too. We all do.

When I moved to San Francisco in 1996, my Grandpa told me that I broke their hearts. I’ve always remembered that. He’d call me and tell me that they were lonely for me. These 2 people who were like second parents to me. Countless Christmases when Grandpa would put together my Barbie dream house or my new racetrack or my bike and on and on. I wish that I’d never made them feel that way. Life happens and I had to find mine. I was lonely for you too Grandpa.

My Grandpa died 3 weeks after my visit.  He is buried next to my Grandma and I know they are around me, with me all of the time.  I love you both and will never forget your love and devotion to one another and what you meant to me.

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